Let go

If you've been following my blog (If you haven't, go back a few months and read "Daddy dearest"), then you'll know that my biological father aka That Man divorced my mom when I was ten because of another woman. You'll also know that it's been years since I've heard from him and he's not exactly your typical, doting father. What I'm about to write is actually long overdue. I've been ignoring it for years, and it's crossed my mind from time to time, but I've always refused to acknowledge it. I've realised that it doesn't matter how successful/good/awesome you are..if you come from a dysfunctional family, it subconsciously affects how you handle your relationships, one way or the other. What I'm trying to say is, if your parents have had a bad relationship at one point, it's almost always bound to affect how you handle YOUR relationships.

See, my ex boyfriends would all agree with me when I say I'm a bit bossy (ok, maybe a lot bossy) as a girlfriend. I'm not the "Don't wear this, Don't say this" type of bossy, but I tend to 'test' my boyfriend every now and then. I overanalyse. I find myself being dramatic, while a part of me screams "What the hell are you doing??", I can get upset over the smallest things, like when a boyfriend doesn't think to buy Vicks for me when I can't breathe. This is the typical thought process:-

I have stuffy nose and can't breathe -> Boyfriend doesn't automatically think of buying Vicks even when he sees I have trouble breathing = me thinking he doesn't care that I am miserable with said stuffy nose, and ultimately doesn't give a rat's ass about my well being in general = eventually he'll turn into monster crap husband a few years down the road, just like That Man and one day decide to pack up and leave.

I have a very distinctive pattern with all my exes. I test them over and over again, to see how much they love me, how much they're willing to go through for me. And after I do all that, I'll repeat the whole vicious cycle. And all because of one reason - I've seen how my mom and That Man were together, her hanging onto his every word, playing the part of the perfect wife. He left her anyway. I know everything happens for a reason, but deep down, I am petrified. And because I'm so determined to not go down that same road, I've developed this subconscious need to analyse, nit-pick the littlest details and shy away from commitment. My relationships are never short of drama - without realising it, I'll do everything I can to fuck it up.

I've come to realise that my quest for the perfect man, everything That Man never was will always get in the way of me being completely happy in a relationship. There's no such thing as The Perfect Man. There's no such thing as a Super Boyfriend who will do NO wrong - boyfriends are humans, and they will mess up from time to time. And isn't that what unconditional love is all about? Loving one another no matter how imperfect they are? I'm trying my best to let go of my demons, and let down this invisible wall that's been up so long, so I can stop protecting myself from getting hurt, but instead know the one I'm with will not hurt me. I have to tell myself that just because I have an awful father, not all men will turn out to be like him. Most importantly, I'll have to let go of my insecurities and learn to trust that my heart is in good hands.

To Yasir, thank you for the Vicks, and I'm sorry I cried in the car on the way to work this morning just because you didn't think of buying it for me before. I am slowly but surely trying to improve myself because I would like to keep you in my life. Please be patient with me, I'll get there one day..

I love you sayang.