Fate

Just half an hour ago, Yasir and I put a kitten to sleep.

I saw the tiny little kitten yesterday, when I was about to drop Yasir off at his office. I won't go into details about what I saw exactly (it involved a motorcycle and the kitten bleeding), but let's just say I was hysterical, clinging on to Yasir's shirt, crying. I felt helpless, I didn't know what to do so I resorted to praying hard to God to keep that kitten safe, or put it out of its misery, so it wouldn't have to suffer. The whole day while I was out, the image of what I saw flashed through my mind every few minutes. I prayed and prayed it wasn't suffering, that it was at peace. I don't think I've prayed for anything as hard in my life. This morning, when Yasir called me and told me the kitten wasn't anywhere to be found, I felt restless. What if it was wondering around, hurt? A part of me wanted to make up this whole scenario where the kitten was barely scratched and a kind passerby had picked it up, with the intention of giving it a new home. Another part knew it was too good to be true.

A few hours ago, as I was driving home from work, I had my night planned out - dinner at home, veg out on the couch for some much needed lazing-around time while I watched back-to-back comedy on StarWorld. Suddenly, Yasir called, and he told me he was hungry. So I changed my plans and decided to pick him up so we could get some food. Then we drove to KFC, and the place looked quite full, so Yasir suggested we pack up the chicken and eat at his office instead. I agreed.

The second we reached Yasir's office and were pulling up into the driveway, a tiny figure crossed right in front of my car. It was the kitten. Naturally, I panicked. I went out of the car, scared to go near it, afraid of what I would see. But I went to it anyway. Its nose was caked with blood, one eye gone, but it was walking around, meowing loudly. My heart crumbled to pieces. It obviously had been hit, and it looked like it was in pain. What was I supposed to do? I couldn't even imagine leaving it there - that wasn't even an option. It meowed loudly at my feet, so i tried feeding it some of Yasir's KFC...but it wouldn't go near it. Finally, Yasir grabbed a box and I put the kitten in, and we drove off to the nearest animal hospital.

At the hospital, the vet said she wanted to conduct all sorts of tests on the kitten. X-Rays,Blood tests etc...and I knew that it could all lead up to a lot of money. I had previously brought Skater there to do different tests, and it came up to almost RM600. I knew I couldn't afford it. But I wanted desperately to save the kitten. I agreed to pay the deposit of RM350 so they could carry out the tests, but I didn't have money on me, so I handed my debit card. The nurse swiped it a few times. Declined. Swiped it again. Declined. So Yasir and I told her we were going to find the nearest ATM to withdraw money. Although I had made the initial decision to put the kitten through the tests, something didn't quite feel right. I blurted out to Yasir, "If you think putting it to sleep is the best thing to do, just please, please, make this decision for me. You do it," I cried, tears streaming down my face. It broke my heart, and a heavy feeling rested on my chest. We sat in the car, trying to make the hardest decision we've ever made together so far, as a couple.We had a lot to ponder about - what if we gave the green light to conduct all these tests, but in the end they find that the kitten just cannot be saved, due to extensive internal injury? It's happened to me countless of times. I've brought a cat to the vet, spent a bomb, and in the end it still passed away. At that exact same hospital.

But then another feeling took over me as I realised that maybe God was trying to answer my prayers. Why did I decide to have dinner with Yasir at the very last minute, when in fact I was set on resting at home, because I was tired? Was it a coincidence that Yasir and I decided not to eat at KFC, but bring it back to his office? And if it weren't for us deciding to go back to Yasir's office, the kitten might have never crossed in front of us, at the exact same moment we were pulling up into the office driveway. Previously, during the day, Yasir went searching for the kitten, but couldn't find it anywhere. And it so happens that tonight, it came back. I know you may be thinking, I'm trying to make myself feel better, maybe I am, but I believe that everything happens for a reason. And maybe, just maybe, I was there, at the right time, at the right moment.

In the end, we decided to put it to sleep. It had suffered enough, and the best thing seemed to let it pass away peacefully. To put it through endless tests seemed like an even cruel thing to do, and I knew I had to be realistic - I couldn't afford it. So with a heavy heart, Yasir trudged into the animal hospital as I sat in the car, staring off into space. I couldn't bear to set foot in that place then. After what seemed like an eternity later, Yasir came back to the car. I cried. Yasir hugged me and kissed my forehead.

I remember the nurse asking me the kitten's name when I first brought it in. I didn't know then if it would be appropriate to name the kitten, I didn't even know if it was Male or Female, but the first name that ran through my mind was...Fate.

Sleep peacefully Fate...may you be running around, carefree, your spirit free and far from all the suffering you had to endure. May you never have to feel pain and be alone again.

Just for the record..

I feel like I need to clear some things up. This has to do with how I approach my relationships. While it may come as a shock to some people, but I, 'Aainaa never....

• Tell my boyfriend he CANNOT wear something. He can wear the same thing three days in a row for all I care, as long as he doesn't stink to high heavens. I may make suggestions on what looks good and what doesn't, but isn't that what girlfriends are for? I ask my boyfriend if something looks good/crap on me, so it should work both ways, shouldn't it?
• Not let him hang out with his friends. Hanging out is good. I would never, ever forbid him from seeing his friends. Sure, there will be an ocassion where his friends will ask him to hang out, but then it's my sister's birthday and my mom wants to bring us all to dinner - so it would be nice if he came with the family because my mom especially, would like him to be there. I don't think I'm worthy enough to be thought as a control freak if I asked him to be there, would I?
• Try to change him into something he isn't. If before we got together, he was a drinker and he smoked, I wouldn't give him an ultimatum and tell him to quit cold turkey. In fact, I know some girlfriends might force their boyfriend to quit drinking and smoking (which, if you think about it, isn't even a BAD THING). I would encourage my boyfriend to quit drinking if we were to get married, for our children's sake though. Is there really anything wrong with that?
• Force him to spend time with me. If he's with me every waking moment, it's because he WANTS to be with me. Believe it or not, I didn't point a gun to his head.
• Pay for all my meals, clothes etc I certainly don't expect him to pay for food all the time, let alone for my shopping. Only when he offers to pay do I let him. Other than that, I'm happy to take out my wallet and pay my fair share, no questions asked.
• Want to interrupt on 'guy time'. If my boyfriend is meeting the boys and wants me to come along, I'd usually ask if it's meant to be an all boys night. I would never, ever force my boyfriend to bring me when he's meeting his guy friends. I usually tag along because he says it's perfectly fine and he wants me to be there.

That's about it for now. I'm just a little sick with people assuming what type of girlfriend I am. Truthfully, I should be immuned to it by now, because I'm used to people taking one look at me and summing up my personality in 3 seconds. Really, I'm not a bad person, and I KNOW I'm not a bad girlfriend. So don't do the shallow thing most people do and jump to conclusions - it's very degrading.

This is me letting off a bit of steam. Next post might be happier.