I can finally muster a little strength to sit here at this computer and type a few measly paragraphs. On Saturday I felt a slow fever creep up on me (Ayden was sick two days before and Yasir was sick on Friday and Saturday) so I was doing whatever I could to stop myself from falling ill - gulps of Redoxon, Vitamin E etc) but on Sunday it was my turn to be completely useless. And it hit me-hard. It started out with a scratch in my throat and quickly turned into a full blown out fever. As soon as I fell ill I knew I wouldn't want to be near Ayden because he had just recovered from his fever. So I watched helplessly as he would cry out to me wanting me, and my heart would break into a million pieces because I couldn't be there for him.

On Monday I was so weak I could barely walk for two seconds without spots clouding my vision. Today I coughed up 'something' in my throat until I gasped and gasped for air because it felt like someone had zipped up my airway passage, like how you would simply zip up a suitcase. That was a scary experience. I tumbled out of bed, into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water with shaky hands as I tried hard to draw in some breaths in a raspy, screechy manner. Beads of sweat formed everywhere on my body and face. My maids panicked and called Yasir while I collapsed onto the kitchen floor. Kak Su who was holding Ayden kept on repeating "Mama sakit Ayden, mama sakit Ayden.." in the kitchen in the flurry of panic. Tears automatically ran down my face. It's scary when you're struggling to catch your breath like that. I continued to screech in a desparate act to inhale some air, any air. Everything was happening in slow motion. In my mind I imagined what would happen if I still couldn't breathe. Someone would call the ambulance. Will I get there in time? Of course I was mostly being overdramatic. But when your lungs are suffocating you tend to get overdramatic. Then I caught a glimpse of Ayden's face from the corner of my eye. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine for my son. I finally could breathe. Nenek took me into her room and rubbed vicks all over me till my neck burned. I felt much better. While I lay there on her bed Bibik brought Ayden into the room. I watched him coo at Datuk and I smiled weakly despite the drama that happened five minutes ago. Now I know the fierce depth of a mother's love. Nothing matters but your family, your son, your children. Your health is for your child first, then you second. Your life is for your child first, then you second. You hear it in songs, in books and in poetry, but till the day you experience it yourself you will never really begin to comprehend this depth.

Such is the power of a mother's love-it breathes air into your lungs when you're suffocating. It gives you strength when you're weak. It makes you live.

Love,
'Aainaa