As I attempt to resume blogging again, I can't help but feel overwhelmed. Because so much has happened in such a small amount of time.
Let's just say, life for me, has changed.
I have a sweet baby boy who makes my heart sing just by smiling at me. And everytime I look at him, I still can't believe he's mine.
Ayden, a few weeks old.
Of course, it hasn't all been smooth sailing. There were days when I was so tired and frustrated, I would literally feel like tearing my hair out. The first month was especially tough. I hadn't gotten enough sleep since my last night at the hospital, my stitches were aching, my back still sore from the epidural and best of all, my fingers were numb from carpal tunnel syndrome. I was seriously sleep deprived and running on pure adrenaline. Breastfeeding a demanding baby
boy made my breasts so sore and sometimes excruciatingly painful. Ayden would wake up sometimes as often as every hour in the wee hours of the morning, and would barely sleep during the day, so sleep to me seemed like something of the past. Ayden made it worse when he would scream like he was being beaten during every diaper change, and I was doing everything in my power not to get upset from seeing him upset. Babies cry, that's what they do, I would remind myself. And yet with every wail coming out from his tiny little body I felt my tired body and mind getting even more tired.
Man, it was tough.
His short nap during the day
No one really prepares you for how tough being a new parent can get. Everyone talks about the rainbow. No one tells you about the rain. You're unprepared on how overwhelming and new it all is, when you're so tired you can barely care for yourself, yet you have to muster every energy you have in your aching body to care for a tiny little thing. And this 'tiny little thing' will demand every second of your attention, every minute of every hour, everyday.
I suppose it was extra hard for me because I didn't get much help caring for Ayden. Some people have extra hands to help take care of their baby as they catch up on some much needed rest and sleep, but I barely had time to myself. I was trapped within the four walls of the upstairs bedroom in my grandparents' house during my confinement. I couldn't go downstairs because that was part of the rules of the confinement period - strictly no walking up and down any stairs. I had no tv, no internet access, all I had was my blackberry. My mother was still working during the day, Yasir would also be at work, and my maid had house chores to do. So when you're left alone to care for a baby that demands your attention 24/7 while your body is screaming for some rest, you feel like you're hanging on your last thread of sanity. There was no such thing as 'you' time. Showers lasted for five seconds, and meals were barely finished as you gulp down your food because your baby was stirring in his sleep, ready for feeding time. All that keeps you sane is knowing that you have a son to care for and the unconditional love that already exists, despite how hard it got.
Then sometime during this challenging first month, something magical happened. Ayden cracked his first smile! It was one of those nights in his early weeks when he couldn't sleep and was keeping me up at every hour, which seemed like most nights, of course. I was in the midst of changing his diaper for what seemed like the millionth time, my eyes barely open. He looked at me. I looked at him. And somewhere between me slapping on some diaper rash cream and him crying his eyes out, he smiled widely at me. I swear, my heart stopped. It was such a genuine smile, the kind that takes your breath away. I let out a squeal of delight, and all the tiredness that had wrapped itself around my body disappeared. All those sleepless days and nights forgotten. Just like that.
Ayden at 2 months
Now, my little baby boy is two months old as of June 11th, 2011 and is so generous with his cheeky smiles :). He's a bright little thing, already showing so much of his personality - cheeky, outspoken and funny. He's always trying to 'speak' to us - he'll make sounds and the cutest expressions (sometimes at 4am while you're struggling to stay awake!) and you can hold a conversation with him as he responds to what you say with his 'baby speak'. You can see him studying your mouth as you talk as he drinks it all in, his eyes filled with fascination on how it all works. He loves watching Sesame Street on youtube (he can never tear his eyes away from Will.I.Am's What I am video particularly) and laughs a silent laugh, his mouth wide open and his eyes crinkled up, though lately some giggly sounds have been coming out of that tiny little mouth of his!
A blurry photo of Ayden laughing :)
He sleeps for longer during the night now, his bedtime around 9pm and waking up twice throughout the night - a nice break compared to every hour during his first month.
Us watching How I Met Your Mother on tv!
He has taken a liking to watching tv, I'd prop him up in his bouncer and he could spend a good half hour with his eyes just glued to the screen. I also love propping him up against my knees, I'd sing to him and talk to him about anything and everything under the sun and more often than not, he'd let out squeals of delight in between his 'baby speak', seemingly understanding every word I'm saying. He has vivid dreams too, sometimes bursting with laughter out of nowhere, then resumes sleeping.
And when he looks at you with what seems like pure admiration in his eyes, you feel like you can slay any dragon that comes his way.
It's true what they say - nothing can be more challenging and rewarding than raising a child of your own. The feeling is one that's just impossible to describe. No one will make you feel so much. It's an out-of-this-world kind of happiness.
You never knew your heart could fill with this much love. It seems almost impossible, yet you feel it.
Ayden Hood, nothing makes me happier than knowing I'm spending the rest of my days with you in my life. You are certainly a gift - you have only been here for a little more than two months and already you've taught me so, so much. About patience, a love I have never known and myself. I am a whole different 'me' because of you. I hope I'm doing a good job as your mother, and know that I will never let any harm come your way. And seeing your father evolve into a responsible, hands-on dad amazes me day by day, too.
Nothing makes us both prouder than to have you as our son.
I love you, baby. More than anything in this whole wide world.
xxx
