The Smooth Talker.

Okay, so we all know that I'm a happily married woman now. But I've had my share of toads before the actual prince. I'm not saying all of 'em were douchebags...just some..you know who you are :) So ladies, if you're single and on the prowl, let me give you some advice. I'd like to think that my past dating history, as well as my friends' might help some damsel in distress, and there was a reason we went through our fair share of Kleenex, Ben and Jerry's ice cream tubs (chunky munky) and achy breaky heartache.

You see, douchebags, scumbags, jerkfaces...they all come in various shapes and sizes. Some can come in a pretty little package, all wrapped up in a bow, while some can come in a... less attractive form. Some people say, the uglier the guy is, the more likely he is to kiss the ground you walk on and not want to leave you, ever. Not entirely true. Because unfortunately, the warped ass ugly motherf*ckers think they are god's gift to women. These types can sometimes be the worst types. So if you smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about his feet, RUN. Although, if he does have smelly feet, that's pretty disgusting.

So, how do you know if something whiffs on the tuna side? Easy. It's as simple as listening to what he says. If he makes you feel too 'special' too soon, something is wrong somewhere. Does he say "I've never felt this way before with anyone else" after five minutes of being on a date with you? Or "I think you're The One" on text message? Does he like "looking into the windows of your soul"? Honey, take off your Manolos and run to the nearest exit. If you feel like he's SO IN LOVE with you after only three dates, I'm sorry to break this to you, it's not because you're the most fabulous woman in the world (although we all are), it's because that's just the way he tries it with a girl. He knows women are gullible creatures and we love to feel needed and special...and so he layers on the butter, extra thick. Yep, you know these types: The Smooth Mother Effing Talkers.

It sounds simple, doesn't it? The sad thing is, most of us are aware that The Smooth Talker types exist within society, yet, time and time again we fall for their, how do I put this gently, oh, UTTER BULLSHIT. And it's a really sick thing that they do, they'll have you thinking oh my god this guy is so into me, what should I do? He makes me feel like a prancing pony in a field! Should I give in and give him my heart? Melty melt.

Sweety, take your heart, lock it in a box and keep the key far far away from this tool, that's all I'm sayin'.

If, you are still adamant on pursuing this relationship to see where it goes (why am I not surprised, we women are a hard ass stubborn lot), PLEASE proceed with EXTREME caution. EXTREME. I will say it again. E.X.T.R.E.M.E. Because those of you who are weak will fall hard and fast, and before you know it, he ain't returning your calls or your text messages. Or worse, he starts seeing your colleague at work. Then you will feel like stabbing your heart with a very sharp knife. Not really the best feeling in the world.

So there you have it, just dispensing a little bit of my wisdom. Of course we know, The Smooth Talker isn't the only type that you should stay away from, but it is kinda the most obvious. And the most deadly, in my opinion. Remember, the only thing we want smooth is our coffee. And our legs, of course. Unless you're three months pregnant.

sloppy kisses,

'Aainaa