Man vs wife

It's been nearly four months since I've been living with an extra terrestrial, or rather, the male species. Here are the things which I have had to get used to, or what I don't understand:

Why does he:

- have to smoke while taking a dump? This is an intriguing thing that smokers do which I still don't get...hmmmm

- insist on playing his xbox everynight before we go to sleep, for at least 2 hours? I'm convinced it releases some sort of therapeutic, brain-relaxing hormone which without, will lead to a sleepless night - so as an understanding wife, I know he's gotta do what he's gotta do, and I'd usually fall asleep on the couch till the wee hours of the morning until this hormone is released and we can finally crawl into bed.

- watch Ironman 2 on blu-ray over and over again? I have seriously lost count. The last time my 3-year-old cousin Rayyan came over, Yasir used him as an excuse. We'll see what he comes up with next...

- hog the covers shamelessly?!?! This is a particularly unpleasant habit I had to discover after we got married..it's really not fun having to go to bed knowing that you're about to go to battle everynight. It's like I'm at a friggin' Sports Day and I'm participating in 'acara tarik tali' forgodsakes. After the first few sleepless (not to mention freezing) nights of waking up shivering and groping around for the duvet, I now respond to this annoying habit automatically, and am on standby mode. As soon as I feel the duvet sliding, I tug that motherf**king piece of material HARD and hold on for dear life. Usually, he stops. If he doesn't, then I find that shouting "OI!!!!!!!" works too.

- have his hands in his pants or shorts and on his crotch when he's watching tv? I've heard tales about the male species having the tendency to do such a thing and didn't really believe it...till I got married. Some theories say that they feel a need to constantly check if their goods are still there, because it's such a prized possession. Fair enough, I guess, should one day your schlong decide to run away and find itself a better owner.

- wear the same t-shirt to bed for WEEKS and not feel yucky? Eeeeeeeeuwwwww gross!

- fart while pretending he's a rocket missile, or...a ballerina.


Okay, sure, there are things that he doesn't get about me either, like:

- why I take at least half an hour to get out of the house, even if it means popping by to the nearest mamak for a quick breakfast. I just don't know what to wearrrr and some days I look fat in everythinggggg *sniff*

- why my bra is draped across the living room sofa sometimes. Look, if I feel the need to set 'my girls' free while I'm watching The Kardashians on E! and I'm too lazy to walk to the room, that's where my bra's gonna be at, alright? And don't pretend you don't like it when I go bra-less! You like, right??

- why I must watch Giuliana and Bill. You have no idea about the pain they're going through!They've been wanting a baby for ages now, and first did IUI and it wasn't effective, and decided on IVF even if it meant her having to go through all these procedures which were taxing to her body physically and she FINALLY got pregnant and they were so happy, and then after 8 weeks she miscarried...sighhhhh, so sad:(

- why I must change handbags everytime. It's simple: Different handbags go with different outfits. Capiche?

- why it takes me so long to get ready for bed. I'm sorry we all don't just take off our contact lenses and hop straight into bed like you do. The nightly ritual usually involves makeup remover, followed by cleansing, and some sort of cream we slap on our face before we can even think of snoozing. Which brings me to...

- why I have random dots of pimple cream on my face when I slide into bed next to you. I know it isn't sexy, and I look downright scary sometimes, but you want your wife to have pimply face is it? When else can I have some goopy thing on my face anyway? There's a reason they call it 'beauty sleep' you know, so that we can regain our beauty while we sleep, even if it means looking like Frankenstein in the process. Oh and wives everywhere would appreciate our husbands telling us (or a hint would do) beforehand if they're up for a lil' somethin' somethin' before going to bed, because then we'll sacrifice the pimple cream...just for you, because we're nice *smiles sweetly*. Please note, once we have the stuff on our face, there's no turning back. Don't even think about nudging us, please eh. Dowan.

But besides all the hullabaloo, co-existing under one roof ain't that bad after all. Yasir and I lucked out because our 'mess level' is sorta similar, so I'm not an anal person to live with, and he isn't either. You hear stories about how the wife gets all frustrated because her husband's underwear is strewn all over the place...thank god I don't have to deal with that. Also, Yasir doesn't pee standing up, so I don't get that whole frustrating thing with the toilet seat being up. Although our condo can look like a pig sty from time to time, we usually come to a point where one of us takes a look around our house and shrieks "OHMYGOD WE'RE LIVING IN A DUMPSTER!!!" or "OHMYGOD WE JUST GOT ROBBED!!!!!!" followed by us both scurrying around, cleaning up. Simple. To my dear husband, here's to many more years of living together, in our own beautiful mess. And next year, insyaallah with a bouncing, crying, peeing and pooping baby Ayden thrown into the mix, our adventure begins all over again.

Can't wait :)